Forever, Jakers

This Blog Has Moved

2011-05-16T04:41:00.001-07:00

I love the feeling when we lift off,

watching the world so small below.

Signed,

-J

Reality Says "Hi"

2011-05-02T16:31:00.000-07:00

At this point I really don't know what to say.

Hell, I'm not even mad at you, I'm just pissed at the way you are trying to approach things. By disregarding everyone's opinions not only are you digging your own hole, but you're ultimately being selfish. You're forgetting what has happened in the past. You're forgetting what has changed. And in doing so, no one's being the fool here but you. Nicole wasn't being a cold-hearted bitch, if anything, she was telling you the truth. The truth you so desperately want to ignore and deny to pursue your false-hopes. At this point she's still looking out for you, otherwise, she wouldn't have said what she said. But no, you choose to pull the "my way or the highway" card, creating an argument yourself and fucking up things even more alll the way to high heaven.

Six months ago, you ended things. With me, and in result, with Nicole by not just fucking me over but her as well-by dating her ex. Now, in the present, hi, reality is knocking on your door but you refuse to accept what has been handed to you and move the hell on. I've said this before, that all you're even doing is living in self-denial, tearing yourself down repeatedly to the point when only NEGATIVITY is your way of handling things. You refuse to take Nicole's advice,which is solid advice might I add, regarding the fact that you should continue to try to move on. You refuse to accept the cards you've been delt, the consequences of your actions.

I cannot be with you. You know this. At least, a part of you knows this. Yet, you refuse to even acknowledge this part of you. This logically, perfectly sound part of your mind. In addition to disregarding the advice of others-who are looking out for you-you are expecting me to suddenly break away from my current boyfriend and leap into your open arms. This, too, is also very selfish of you. You know that I cannot do this, and in actuality? I don't want to. I am happy, no, more than happy with who I am with. I am in love with someone else.

I am as over you as I possibly can be. If, hey, during these past six months you had moved on like you were suppose to do and then you had approached me going, "Do you think we could be friends?"

I would've said yes. Because all of our baggage would've been properly tucked away. Awkward feelings aside, I would've been content with being your friend if you had moved on. Thing is, you haven't. The only reason why I'm even pissed at what you are doing is because you are being stubborn and constantly trying to find ways back into my life when at this time and point I don't want you in it at all.

To wrap up this post, I wish you the best in life, and that may you one day find someone who will make you truly and utterly happy. A "someone" that is not me.

[Forever, Jakers]

Destination: No Where

2011-04-29T12:58:00.000-07:00

Leaving my house on a whim. Heading to the water.
I need to get away. From my family, friends, everyone. This is what I need.

[Forever, Jakers]

This River Is Wild-The Killers

2011-04-18T07:20:00.000-07:00

Leaves are falling down
On the beautiful ground
I heard a story from the man in red
He said the leaves are falling down
Such a beautiful sound
Son, I think you better go ahead

But you always hold your head up high
Cause it's a long, long, long way down
This town was meant for passing through
But it ain't nothing new
Now go and show them
That the world stayed round
But it's a long, long, long way down

You better run for the hills before they burn
Listen to the sound of the world
And watch it turn
I just want to show you what I know
And catch you when the current lets you go
Or should I just get along with myself

I never did get along with everybody else
I've been trying hard to do what's right
But you know I could stay here all night
And watch the clouds fall from the sky

This river is wild
This river is wild

Run for the hills before they burn
Listen to the sound of the world
Watch it turn
But shake a little
Sometimes I'm nervous when I talk
I shake a little
Sometimes i hate the line I walk
I just want to show you what I know
And catch you when the current lets you go

Or should I just get along with myself
I never did get along with everybody else
Ive been trying hard to do whats right
But you know I could stay here all night
And watch the clouds fall
From the sky

Because this river is wild
God speed you boy
This river is wild

Now Adam's taking bombs
And he's stuck on his mom
Because that bitch
Keeps trying to make him pray

He's with the hippie in the park
Coming over the dark
Just trying to get some of that little girl play

You better run for the hills before they burn
Listen to the sound of the world
But watch it turn
I just want to show you what I know
And catch you when the current lets you go

Or should I get along with myself
I never did get along with everybody else
I've been trying hard to do whats right
But you know I could stay here all night
And watch the clouds fall from the sky

And pay this hell in me tonight
Because this river is wild
God speed you boy
This river is wild
God speed you boy
This river is wild

Now the cards are everywhere face in dust
The fairground
I don't think I ever seen so many headlights
But there's something pulling me
The circus and the crew
Well they're just passing through
Making sure the merry still goes round
But it's a long, long, long way down

Where are you?

2011-04-08T17:57:00.001-07:00

I need you-wherever you are.

Inanity Irreparable

2011-04-03T18:37:00.000-07:00

I'm currently sitting cross-legged. My hand is grasping a cup of spicy ramen while the other holds a copy of The Unbearable Lightness of Being down, fingers splayed to keep the paperback novel open. It's currently 9:39 as I type this out. My fingers skit across the keyboard, the cup of ramen has long been placed on top of my open Algebra Advance textbook (an action I will probably regret). My throat feels swollen, my arms/legs/neck/joints all feel sore and battered, and my head feels light with a warm, fuzzy haze around it. No doubt I'm sick, the bursts of warmth and coldness coming and going every now and then. Lately my head is swimming with several "To-do"s, blocking out whatever is seemingly unimportant and nontrivial. Hell, I can't even remember what I did last Wednesday or even Monday. Everything seems to be coming out as static-snow as it's more commonly known. White, blurry, unclear snow. Piling up, just like schoolwork. To say that I'm drowning in my work is an understatement; I'm sinking like the fucking Titanic. I have a test for my Algebra II class tomorrow and odds are I'll have to call in sick for school. Which my teacher will just lo-ove. Normally, algebra isn't a difficult subject to navigate, but for a mathematically inept/ignorant/retarded person such as my self it's like figuring out whether or not I should cut the blue wire or the red wire before a bomb detonates. I usually end up cutting the wrong wire. Then shit blows up and it all goes to hell. I just hope I don't cut the wrong wire this time, last thing I need is another mishap.

[Forever, Jakers]

Of Being Insane In Sane Places

2011-03-29T18:47:00.000-07:00

The floor was cold.

My feet dangled over the side of the bed, the tips of my toes barely touching the wooden floor. Already I could feel the chill of the morning air stinging against my bare skin. I was sitting upright, letting myself readjust to the room, the darkness, the dim light spilling in slightly from behind the shades. I sighed silently to myself. It was more of a worn-out wondering sigh rather than actually physical and audible. Standing up, my feet fully touched the floor, creating a ripple of chills and goosebumps wafting across my skin. My hand found the edge of one of the shades, and I tugged, once, and let the thin veil slide up; a performance just beginning, a show going on. The sun was placed in the corner of the picture the window framed for me, the empty apartment building across from mine hallow and empty. As always, the streets outside were empty in the morning, as people slept in during the weekend. What was it that made me question myself? To doubt? Was I happy? Was I content? I reviewed all of the current things in my life: a perfect relationship being formed, two best friends, school, my family.

Today is Tuesday. Three days have passed. My mind continues to wander, my thoughts shifting and changing. I feel like a chronicler of sorts, remembering all that I can but not enough. I feel cut off from everyone whilst being fully immersed. I feel distant, detached, not wanting to in the first place. Yet I'm not. So what's real? What isn't? For the past week I've been mulling over the fact that something is wrong with me. I just don't know what. The thoughts have been coming back, those of pre-Deering, pre-Portland, pre-David, pre-Ryan, pre-everything. And to make matters even more interesting, my psychology class had a discussion on the symptoms of depression yesterday. A list of criteria was provided to us, to understand the details of major depression. Five or more symptoms meant that a person was clinically and psychiatrically depressed. I had four of those symptoms. Does this mean there's nothing wrong with me at all? That I'm only experiencing perfectly, normal "sane" moods? What is "sane" even, nowadays? But the thoughts. What about the thoughts.

Yes. The thoughts. The ones that I kept hidden from everyone I've come in contact with. Not of my ex, not of anything to do with the past. But of what uncertainty lies ahead. It's more than that. It's fear. And the idea of escape. Of a way to be free of that fear. And the fear of all these thoughts fuels the fear that is already there. My head is a fucked up manifestation of its own. Am I sane, or am I simply trying to be sane when the only person I'm lying to is myself?

[Forever, Jakers]

I'm happy, right?

2011-03-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

Or am I just lying to myself?

Farewell, My Black Balloon

2011-01-22T15:06:00.000-08:00

I guess you can say....that things have changed. Over the past few months. Massively, might I add. Looking back on when the school year started, it feels like I'm looking through the eyes of a bent-over old man. Someone older, wiser, someone who's gone through quite a bit. But I can say that we, us, everyone is in a better place. A happier one than before. Some of us have already recovered, and some of us seem like we have but only pretend and lie to everyone else. I can say that I'm one of those people, not the ones that are lying to themselves/everyone, but the ones who can finally hold their head up, say "Fuck it", and just live in the present. I've been meaning to do a post for awhile now, but whenever I would open up this "new post" page I'd just blank out. I'd sit there, unsure of what to really say because....well, there's quite a lot to say, and I'm not so sure where to begin.

I'm leaving, in six days. For a month abroad in Vietnam, with my family and other relatives that I don't even remember. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous, I'm just afraid of not what'll happen over there, but what'll happen over here when I'm gone. A lot can happen in a month and a half. I'm not saying that, oh, when I'm gone, everything simply is going to fall apart. But I'm just afraid that I won't really be there for anyone when they need me the most. I guess I can only hope things'll remain intact.

As for everyone else-Kerensa is still Kerensa. Blonde at times (though not often, it astounds me that she breaks her stereotype so often), but a friend that's always there and wiser than she lets on. Nicole is, as far as I can remember, the same as well. Sarcastic at times, yes. Blunt at times, yes. But a best friend who's been with me through everything and more to come? Definitely yes. Benjay seems to have become someone of his own compared to when I first was friends with him in Sophomore year. A bit spasmodic, but I guess that's something that'll never change. Then there's Ryan, someone who came into my life and picked everything up, pieced it all together, and has loved me despite what has happened in the past. These are the people that hold me together, who I would never forget. These are the ones that allow me to go to bed with a calm mind, knowing that things'll be okay.

I don't really know why I'm typing this, why I'm posting this. I could just simply leave next Friday without even saying anything. But a part of me wants to remember, how everything is, right now. This little photograph in my mind, that's what this is. I can say with self-confidence that I no longer hate those that have done what they've done, I don't care about those meddlesome things of the past. I just want to live now, here, in the present. In the moment. Me, with this small, black netbook balanced on my knees as I hit key after key. Me in my storage-space-of-a-room. Me with all of these things, photographed. Remembered.
[Forever, Jakers]

Two Month's Worth of Lessons

2010-10-25T04:39:00.000-07:00

It's been two months since my last entry, and the halls of DHS are once again filled with annoying Freshman, learning Sophomores, wise Juniors, and senior-itis Seniors. I could easily go into a rant and say how I've been up to my eyes in homework, how the PSATs pretty much sucked, but allow me to instead list the things that I have learned in the past two months. Shall we? In the past two months, I have learned:

having someone crush your heart after seventeen months together? Yeah, well, it sucks.
Studio Art and 3D Art are the only two classes of the day I really enjoy.
anxiety about the PSATs is over-hyped.
my Marine Ecology teacher loves to show us clips of animals talking (BBC's A Walk On The Wildside, people).
still-life's are frustrating and time-consuming but eventually worth the results.
that there are friends who say they'll be there, and ones that'll actually be there.
you're more likely to fail a driver's test when you're young, thanks to the older more "experienced" instructors you get for the test.
SMFA and AIB are schools I'm definitely looking in to.
homecoming music is terrible, and will always be just that.
that the rest of this semester is going to be awkward, monotonous, and exceptionally painful.

[Forever, Jakers]

Summer's End

2010-08-31T11:53:00.000-07:00

School starts in eight days, summer vacation ends in seven.

Despite the fact that I've had two and a half months to prepare myself for this, I'm still not ready for Junior year. I'm not ready for all the PSAT and SAT crap we're about to go through. I'm not ready to suddenly focus on college tuitions and expenses. I'm not ready for any of what might happen this year at all. And the fact that it's hitting me just now that I only have one year of high school left seems oddly surreal. But whether I'm (or anyone else) ready or not, it's happening.

So what proof do I have to prove to myself that I've actually experienced these past few months instead of thinking that I'm in some coma imagining this all up? Memories of a sky set ablaze by the sun dipping beneath the horizon. Train tracks with apple-throwing-hobos nearby. 20,001 mosquito bites. Two days away from Portland. One case of massive sunburn. One lovely Thursday. A summer youth metro-bus pass. A job at Hot topic. A five minute water balloon fight. A new formation of friends, and the tossing aside of an old one.

I've learned quite a bit despite not being in school for two and a half months. I've learned what it's like to have people who say they'll be there for you and actually mean it. I've learned that you can't go wrong with a few trips to McDonald's (hey, we're teenagers, our metabolism is still pretty high-so why not?). That the library is a pretty decent place to take refuge, and that Starbucks Coffee cans are pretty effective when used to kill giant spiders. The thing is, I don't want to let this all go. To suddenly be all "Oh, school has started, time to forget about this shit." So I don't think I will. Just because I'm not ready for school to start, doesn't mean I'm going to ignore this past summer. It doesn't mean I'll forget what I've learned, what I've gone through, what I've done. It just adds up to how much I've changed.

[Forever, Jakers]

A New Start

2010-08-14T06:50:00.001-07:00

Originally,

I had created this blog two years ago when I had first moved here to record whatever may happen, whatever may catch my interest. But over time this blog sort of turned into one long, monotonous, droning rant. Going back and reading some of my previous entries, I realize that it's become an annoying "diary" (or, for those guys who are too "hetero" to admit what it really is, a "journal") rather than something I can look back and reflect on. Entering my last two years of high school (something that I am not so sure if I feel elated or depressed about, yet) I want to make the most of it, to not just sit around on my ass and stare off into the distance looking like an idiot. I want to be able to write down, here, whatever happens these next two years and be able to go back and read all this crap; happy with what I remember and content with what I've written.

This isn't going to be a blog where I simply just go, "Today I..." or "For lunch I had...", because honestly, who fucking cares? I figure, I'll blog about the typical high school experience, discuss what is there to discuss, rant (hopefully, not all the time and not in an annoying manner) my rants, and at the end of the day be able to use this to aid me in the future. So what the hell? Last two years at DHS, I might as well do something memorable (aside from all the cliches such as prom, PSATS ,and SATS). And another thing, I'm sticking to Forever, Jakers. I can't seem to change the title of this blog, it's become...well, me. J out.

[Forever, Jakers]