This Blog Has Moved
Posted by foreverjakers | Posted in | Posted on 4:41 AM
0
I love the feeling when we lift off,
watching the world so small below.
Signed,
-J
At this point I really don't know what to say.
Hell, I'm not even mad at you, I'm just pissed at the way you are trying to approach things. By disregarding everyone's opinions not only are you digging your own hole, but you're ultimately being selfish. You're forgetting what has happened in the past. You're forgetting what has changed. And in doing so, no one's being the fool here but you. Nicole wasn't being a cold-hearted bitch, if anything, she was telling you the truth. The truth you so desperately want to ignore and deny to pursue your false-hopes. At this point she's still looking out for you, otherwise, she wouldn't have said what she said. But no, you choose to pull the "my way or the highway" card, creating an argument yourself and fucking up things even more alll the way to high heaven.
Six months ago, you ended things. With me, and in result, with Nicole by not just fucking me over but her as well-by dating her ex. Now, in the present, hi, reality is knocking on your door but you refuse to accept what has been handed to you and move the hell on. I've said this before, that all you're even doing is living in self-denial, tearing yourself down repeatedly to the point when only NEGATIVITY is your way of handling things. You refuse to take Nicole's advice,which is solid advice might I add, regarding the fact that you should continue to try to move on. You refuse to accept the cards you've been delt, the consequences of your actions.
I cannot be with you. You know this. At least, a part of you knows this. Yet, you refuse to even acknowledge this part of you. This logically, perfectly sound part of your mind. In addition to disregarding the advice of others-who are looking out for you-you are expecting me to suddenly break away from my current boyfriend and leap into your open arms. This, too, is also very selfish of you. You know that I cannot do this, and in actuality? I don't want to. I am happy, no, more than happy with who I am with. I am in love with someone else.
I am as over you as I possibly can be. If, hey, during these past six months you had moved on like you were suppose to do and then you had approached me going, "Do you think we could be friends?"
I would've said yes. Because all of our baggage would've been properly tucked away. Awkward feelings aside, I would've been content with being your friend if you had moved on. Thing is, you haven't. The only reason why I'm even pissed at what you are doing is because you are being stubborn and constantly trying to find ways back into my life when at this time and point I don't want you in it at all.
To wrap up this post, I wish you the best in life, and that may you one day find someone who will make you truly and utterly happy. A "someone" that is not me.
[Forever, Jakers]
Leaving my house on a whim. Heading to the water.
I need to get away. From my family, friends, everyone. This is what I need.
[Forever, Jakers]
Leaves are falling down
On the beautiful ground
I heard a story from the man in red
He said the leaves are falling down
Such a beautiful sound
Son, I think you better go ahead
But you always hold your head up high
Cause it's a long, long, long way down
This town was meant for passing through
But it ain't nothing new
Now go and show them
That the world stayed round
But it's a long, long, long way down
You better run for the hills before they burn
Listen to the sound of the world
And watch it turn
I just want to show you what I know
And catch you when the current lets you go
Or should I just get along with myself
I never did get along with everybody else
I've been trying hard to do what's right
But you know I could stay here all night
And watch the clouds fall from the sky
This river is wild
This river is wild
Run for the hills before they burn
Listen to the sound of the world
Watch it turn
But shake a little
Sometimes I'm nervous when I talk
I shake a little
Sometimes i hate the line I walk
I just want to show you what I know
And catch you when the current lets you go
Or should I just get along with myself
I never did get along with everybody else
Ive been trying hard to do whats right
But you know I could stay here all night
And watch the clouds fall
From the sky
Because this river is wild
God speed you boy
This river is wild
Now Adam's taking bombs
And he's stuck on his mom
Because that bitch
Keeps trying to make him pray
He's with the hippie in the park
Coming over the dark
Just trying to get some of that little girl play
You better run for the hills before they burn
Listen to the sound of the world
But watch it turn
I just want to show you what I know
And catch you when the current lets you go
Or should I get along with myself
I never did get along with everybody else
I've been trying hard to do whats right
But you know I could stay here all night
And watch the clouds fall from the sky
And pay this hell in me tonight
Because this river is wild
God speed you boy
This river is wild
God speed you boy
This river is wild
Now the cards are everywhere face in dust
The fairground
I don't think I ever seen so many headlights
But there's something pulling me
The circus and the crew
Well they're just passing through
Making sure the merry still goes round
But it's a long, long, long way down
I'm currently sitting cross-legged. My hand is grasping a cup of spicy ramen while the other holds a copy of The Unbearable Lightness of Being down, fingers splayed to keep the paperback novel open. It's currently 9:39 as I type this out. My fingers skit across the keyboard, the cup of ramen has long been placed on top of my open Algebra Advance textbook (an action I will probably regret). My throat feels swollen, my arms/legs/neck/joints all feel sore and battered, and my head feels light with a warm, fuzzy haze around it. No doubt I'm sick, the bursts of warmth and coldness coming and going every now and then. Lately my head is swimming with several "To-do"s, blocking out whatever is seemingly unimportant and nontrivial. Hell, I can't even remember what I did last Wednesday or even Monday. Everything seems to be coming out as static-snow as it's more commonly known. White, blurry, unclear snow. Piling up, just like schoolwork. To say that I'm drowning in my work is an understatement; I'm sinking like the fucking Titanic. I have a test for my Algebra II class tomorrow and odds are I'll have to call in sick for school. Which my teacher will just lo-ove. Normally, algebra isn't a difficult subject to navigate, but for a mathematically inept/ignorant/retarded person such as my self it's like figuring out whether or not I should cut the blue wire or the red wire before a bomb detonates. I usually end up cutting the wrong wire. Then shit blows up and it all goes to hell. I just hope I don't cut the wrong wire this time, last thing I need is another mishap.
[Forever, Jakers]
The floor was cold.
My feet dangled over the side of the bed, the tips of my toes barely touching the wooden floor. Already I could feel the chill of the morning air stinging against my bare skin. I was sitting upright, letting myself readjust to the room, the darkness, the dim light spilling in slightly from behind the shades. I sighed silently to myself. It was more of a worn-out wondering sigh rather than actually physical and audible. Standing up, my feet fully touched the floor, creating a ripple of chills and goosebumps wafting across my skin. My hand found the edge of one of the shades, and I tugged, once, and let the thin veil slide up; a performance just beginning, a show going on. The sun was placed in the corner of the picture the window framed for me, the empty apartment building across from mine hallow and empty. As always, the streets outside were empty in the morning, as people slept in during the weekend. What was it that made me question myself? To doubt? Was I happy? Was I content? I reviewed all of the current things in my life: a perfect relationship being formed, two best friends, school, my family.
Today is Tuesday. Three days have passed. My mind continues to wander, my thoughts shifting and changing. I feel like a chronicler of sorts, remembering all that I can but not enough. I feel cut off from everyone whilst being fully immersed. I feel distant, detached, not wanting to in the first place. Yet I'm not. So what's real? What isn't? For the past week I've been mulling over the fact that something is wrong with me. I just don't know what. The thoughts have been coming back, those of pre-Deering, pre-Portland, pre-David, pre-Ryan, pre-everything. And to make matters even more interesting, my psychology class had a discussion on the symptoms of depression yesterday. A list of criteria was provided to us, to understand the details of major depression. Five or more symptoms meant that a person was clinically and psychiatrically depressed. I had four of those symptoms. Does this mean there's nothing wrong with me at all? That I'm only experiencing perfectly, normal "sane" moods? What is "sane" even, nowadays? But the thoughts. What about the thoughts.
Yes. The thoughts. The ones that I kept hidden from everyone I've come in contact with. Not of my ex, not of anything to do with the past. But of what uncertainty lies ahead. It's more than that. It's fear. And the idea of escape. Of a way to be free of that fear. And the fear of all these thoughts fuels the fear that is already there. My head is a fucked up manifestation of its own. Am I sane, or am I simply trying to be sane when the only person I'm lying to is myself?
[Forever, Jakers]
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