Of Being Insane In Sane Places
Posted by foreverjakers | Posted in | Posted on 6:47 PM
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The floor was cold.
My feet dangled over the side of the bed, the tips of my toes barely touching the wooden floor. Already I could feel the chill of the morning air stinging against my bare skin. I was sitting upright, letting myself readjust to the room, the darkness, the dim light spilling in slightly from behind the shades. I sighed silently to myself. It was more of a worn-out wondering sigh rather than actually physical and audible. Standing up, my feet fully touched the floor, creating a ripple of chills and goosebumps wafting across my skin. My hand found the edge of one of the shades, and I tugged, once, and let the thin veil slide up; a performance just beginning, a show going on. The sun was placed in the corner of the picture the window framed for me, the empty apartment building across from mine hallow and empty. As always, the streets outside were empty in the morning, as people slept in during the weekend. What was it that made me question myself? To doubt? Was I happy? Was I content? I reviewed all of the current things in my life: a perfect relationship being formed, two best friends, school, my family.
Today is Tuesday. Three days have passed. My mind continues to wander, my thoughts shifting and changing. I feel like a chronicler of sorts, remembering all that I can but not enough. I feel cut off from everyone whilst being fully immersed. I feel distant, detached, not wanting to in the first place. Yet I'm not. So what's real? What isn't? For the past week I've been mulling over the fact that something is wrong with me. I just don't know what. The thoughts have been coming back, those of pre-Deering, pre-Portland, pre-David, pre-Ryan, pre-everything. And to make matters even more interesting, my psychology class had a discussion on the symptoms of depression yesterday. A list of criteria was provided to us, to understand the details of major depression. Five or more symptoms meant that a person was clinically and psychiatrically depressed. I had four of those symptoms. Does this mean there's nothing wrong with me at all? That I'm only experiencing perfectly, normal "sane" moods? What is "sane" even, nowadays? But the thoughts. What about the thoughts.
Yes. The thoughts. The ones that I kept hidden from everyone I've come in contact with. Not of my ex, not of anything to do with the past. But of what uncertainty lies ahead. It's more than that. It's fear. And the idea of escape. Of a way to be free of that fear. And the fear of all these thoughts fuels the fear that is already there. My head is a fucked up manifestation of its own. Am I sane, or am I simply trying to be sane when the only person I'm lying to is myself?
[Forever, Jakers]
